Wednesday, April 16, 2014

How do I feel about Love

Well... well.. well...  Interesting that I should stumble across this subject.  Love - I feel that I don't really want to write about this subject - that's how I feel.

I see some young people around me who are "in love". I remember those days... as I look back, I think I can remember the physical feelings.  It's like they are in.  Like the looks... the laughter... the desire to be near.  To see someone across the room, or come in the door and zing - the feelings thrill you. 

I don't have that "like" stage anymore.

I think I'm not "in love" in this stage of my life.  Although I do LOVE things.

I love food.  LOL  too much...  but I wouldn't lay down my life for it.  I've gone through stages in my life where I've had very strict control of the food in my life.  I wish I could get back there...

I LOVE my kids.  I really do.  I hear people say, "I can't wait until they go to school."  I recently put 2 of my kidlets in school.  I can't wait for them to get off the bus each day and I ask them all kinds of questions - trying to pump them for information.  I miss them, and I miss that I don't know everything about their every day.  I really like my kids.  Even the kids that don't like me as much as I like them.  I had one tell me that they thought I've hated them since they were 8.  Oh my word - that cut like a knife. 

I cried...  I felt wounded for several days... I made a conscience effort to love the unlovely.  I sure do NOT want them to think that.  Why would they think that?  I just kept on keeping on - kept saying I love you.  Kept inviting them to tag along with me. I think THAT'S love... when we keep on keeping on! 

I want to train my kids how to love others.  How to be a friend.  I want to set them up the best way I know how.  Now some are getting to the age where they are making choices, and I don't have much input.  Well - I can input all I want, but whether it bounces off or soaks in is their choice.  So - I try to keep loving them even when they chose differently then I would want them to.  LOVE is still loving them even though they are different.

It's not giving up and walking away.

I've never been one who loves animals - as pets.  We've had many who have died - I never mourned that loss.  I don't love clothes shopping.  I went shopping Saturday - and an overly agressive sales cleark was annoying me.  I left that store not having spent all I could have spent.  I asked one clerk if they worked on commission - I think she was on crack.  Good grief...  shopping I do not love.  LOL

Maybe reading - I love reading.  I'll even read a bad book.  LOL  Bad as in not well written.  I'll usually regret it later - waste of my time.  I read lots of things - many signs.  Instruction manuals.  Newspapers... blogs... I think that is why I like FB so much - read, scroll, read, scroll, read...

Love... Friends and Family - I've found I'm not a good friend or sibling, or kid... wow - now that my kids are making choices to so closely mirror some of my own, I think - my poor parents.  I'm so glad I circled around and came back to their morals and beliefs.  I'm so glad I have sisters who love me and show me in very tangible ways.  I have a sister who called me today - for no reason.  That's love... not because she wanted anything -or needed anything - and it was a weird time... Sunday morning.  I REALLY like that sort of love! 

The romantic love - how do I feel about that?  I feel burnt out... some folks go from one relationship to another... I'm pretty much stuck in motherhood mode - not looking and not wanting anything more.  No desire... In fact - I'm thinking I need to lose some weight, so I can start wearing my wedding ring, just to keep questions at bay.  Stay away.